Bristles of Evil

I want you to think about an age old image, it's the 1920s, a damsel in distress is lying on the tracks, a man in black has placed her there. Now I ask, what is he twiddling? I imagine you didn't say "his earlobes".

The mustache, yes, the mustache, what has happened to villains with mustaches? Think of the classic villains of comic books. Guys like The Puzzler, The Prankster, Abra Kadabra, The Machinesmith, Adam Orion, Turner D. Century, Brainstorm, El Diablo. See? All brilliant, all deserving of the title of "greatest villain the printed page has ever seen". When you read the stories where whatever smooth skinned, boring hero fought these hirsute hustlers you knew it meant business, however this hero was going to win it would only be just barely.

So what happened, I have to ask, why all the folliclephobia? Imagine how much more intimidating characters like Bullseye or Darkseid would be with an empowering Imperial or a delicious DuPont.

I know, I see you now stroking that smooth, triple shaved chin of yours not quite grasping my argument. Well try out these cold hard facts: Did you know that leading scientists have stated that an individual is 11% intimidating if they have a mustache? It's true. In some Eastern European countries the mustache was considered so evil that instead of burying men with mustaches they were instead tossed into the woods to be eaten by bears as you see these people lacked science but we forgive them. When asked why he didn't act sooner to intervene in World War II president William Taft simply held up a picture of Hitler and gestured at his mustache and for the questioner, that was suffice.

Not enough? Clearly you're not a man easily convinced, that's to be expected of a soft minded man with mutton chops. I laugh for you've experience the threat, no no, I mean to say the tyranny of mustaches. Just think back to those old episodes of Batman, didn't you ever wonder why you seemed so scared to watch the episodes with David Wayne's Mad Hatter or how the sight of Cesar Romero's powdered over mustache just made you want to wretch? That was the mustache's power. And when you had your first job, you remember that manager you had who had that big ol 'stache? I bet you often dreamed of killing him, not necessarily because of how mean he was to you but more so due to a deep-rooted fear that he may one nightsneak into your room as you slept and perform some unspeakable evil act on you of an occult nature. Yes, again, the mustache proves it's strength.

If I've gotten through to you then hopefully you will hear my plea. Let's go back to that era of mad bombers with crazed fu manchus to go with crazed hair, bank robbers who don't have to wear masks because their van dyke covers so much already. So next time you're reading a comic where Batman or whoever is being slowly dunked into a tank full of acidic worms and the villain reveals a bare upper lip think to yourself "Hey man, why all the face?"